


Don't hide yourself away from me

by HaleyBuckley



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25514371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaleyBuckley/pseuds/HaleyBuckley
Summary: Buck hasn’t dealt with Eddies near death experience at all. Eddie notices.
Relationships: Buddie - Relationship, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 6
Kudos: 198





	Don't hide yourself away from me

“Eddie, no Eddieeeeeeeeeeee!”

Bucks eyes snap open and his body shoots up in panic. His chest is heaving and Buck feels like he’s suffocating. He presses a hand against his chest and rubs circles against the naked skin. With his other hand he grips the sheets underneath him tight. He sits like that for a while, concentrating on his breathing. A couple of minutes later the weight on his chest lessen and air fills his lungs. He lets himself fall backwards on the bed and covers his face with his arms. He’s sweaty and his body hurts. Especially the ache in his hurt leg is worse after waking up like this. He knows it’s gonna be a tough day today because the pain mostly will stay for the whole day.

It’s been a week since Eddies accident and Buck thinks he’d be ok by now. Eddie was alive, he was safe. Nothing to worry about, right. But there’s still this deep black spot in his mind that lets him wake up screaming every night. He knows he should talk to someone about this but he doesn’t want to bother his team mates about it. Eddie was the one in danger, not him. It’s always the same dream he has. Buck is trying to pull Eddie out of the well but then he’s losing the weight and a lose cord is sliding into his hands. His heart stops when he see the rope and there’s no Eddie. Next thing he sees is the lightning strike throwing over the drilling crane. Buck’s not able to breath and he crawls over to the now closed up hole and starts digging. He’s digging and digging till his hands are bleeding, but Eddie’s dead. He must be. He’s not coming back and he lost him.

Buck takes his arms off his face and looks at his hands. They’re clean, not full of blood or dirt but his fingers ache and he sighs. He rolls over and looks at the clock. It’s still three hours till his shift starts and he should get some more sleep but he knows after a nightmare like this, he won’t be able to go back to sleep again. So he shoves the covers out of the way and gets up. He takes a shower and lets the water run over him for over half an hour. The water is already cold when he turns it off and he’s shivering slightly. He gets out of the shower and dresses himself, almost mechanicly. He pours himself a coffee but doesn’t eat the toast he had made himself earlier. It’ll stay there till he gets home from his shift. Untouched. He’s not hungry.

He sits down on the couch to watch some TV but after a couple of minutes he turns it off again and he grabs his phone. His finger lingers over Eddies number and he wants to call him. Wants to make sure he is ok. He doesn’t call him though. He knows Eddie is safe, it’s just his stupid brain that won’t catch up. So he sits there on the couch the last 30 minutes before work and waits. He’s not even tired. Or lets say he’s too tired to be tired. So he jumps into action, takes his bag and keys and walks to his car.

The car drive his quiet since it’s still early in the morning. When he pulls up at the fire station he can see that their Captain is already there, his car is sitting in the parking lot. No sight of Eddie’s car and Buck knows it’s still early but he can’t help himself worrying.

He gets out of the car and walks into the fire house. It’s quiet, only a couple of people are getting ready for their shift. He greets them with a nod of his head and gets himself dressed up.

“Morning Buck. Never think I’d see the day you’d be here before anyone else? And this is happening for days now. You ok, kid?”

Buck startles and turns around. His Captain is standing behind him and Buck tries to smile.

“I’m fine, Cap, seems like the morning sun wakes me up earlier at the moment.”

His voice sounds weird and he hopes Bobby doesn’t notice it. The older man nods, seemingly not catching up on the weird sound in his voice, and slaps him gently against the arm.

“I’m making breakfast, be up in five ok?”

“Erm, actually I’m not hungry, thanks. I’ll start checking the oxygen thanks if that’s alright.”

Bobby lifts an eyebrow and musters Buck closely, he can see the Captains eyes roam up and down his body.

“Ok.Team briefing is at 8 though.”

Buck nods and grabs the check list for the oxygen tanks and walks into the tools room. He closes the door behind him and lets himself sag against the door. He takes a moment and closes his eyes. He knows he needs to get a grip and move on. He turns the light on and goes through the checklist. The work keeps him distracted and he almost misses that it’s close to 8 am and team briefing. He quickly finishes the last check up and puts the list away. He steadies himself and walks out oft he stall room.

He can hear voices from upstairs and quickly makes his way up the stairs. His team is already gathered around the Captain who shoots him a stern look for being late for the briefing. Eddie stands next to Hen smiling at him. Buck swallows hard but joins the group. The briefing takes half an hour and Buck feels the pain in his leg getting worse. He really needs to sit down and relax his leg.

“Hey man, where you been at breakfast? Checking the oxygen tanks? You hate doing the checklists.“

Buck looks up and Eddie suddenly stands in front of him. His cheeks are red and he has a smile on his face. His hazelnut brown eyes sparkle at him and Buck feels himself getting lost in them. Eddies eyebrow rises up and Buck can feel a hand on his shoulder.

“Earth to Buck, you there, man?“

Buck doesn’t want to but he flinches when the other mans hand touches his shoulder. He’s been avoiding Eddie since he came back to work after getting a clean bill of health from the hospital. As much as he needed to see, to feel that Eddie was alive he was scared to get too close. He was scared he could lose Eddie, anytime. So instead of reaching out he curled up on himself, hiding away. Buck wasn’t sure if Eddie had noticed but the confused look on Eddies face might be a sign that he had.

“What?“

Buck startles at his own voice. It sounds raw and the last syllable gets stuck in his throat. Eddie takes his hand off his shoulder and steps back. His eyes muster Bucks face and he looks sad.

“Are you ok bud? You seem a little bit off?“

There’s concern in his eyes now and Buck curses himself for putting it there. Eddie’s got enough on his plate. His own trauma, his son, he doesn’t need to worry about him on top of it.

Buck tries to smile awkwardly but he can see it in the other man’s eyes that it’s not working.

“Yeah, yeah, all good man.“

Eddie shakes his head.

“Buck, I can see there’s something wrong. What’s- …“

The fire alarm goes and Buck lets out a loud breath turning around on his heels. He welcomes the disruption and his mind switches into firefighter mode, adrenalin immediately rushing through his body. It wakes him up, the pain in his leg forgotten and he runs down the stairs, gets into his firefighter gear and jumps into one of the fire trucks. Eddie’s right on his heels and he can feel the other mans eyes on his back. There’s no time to talk now though and Buck’s relieved because he isn’t ready to face Eddie yet.

The whole time they’re out on the call out Buck feels Eddie watch his every move. Guilt bubbles up in his chest for making the other man worry. He has to focus on the job though. It’s a factory fire and he and Eddie go inside to get the workers out. The fire is put out quick and thankfully no one was really hurt. They load up their gear and Buck lets himself sag tiredly on the seat. He feels exhausted, the lack of sleep over the last few days, clearing getting at him. He isn’t even sure he didn’t nod off on their way back to the station.

Someone slamming the door of the fire truck shut makes him jump and he realizes they’re back at the fire house. He slowly makes his way out of the truck. When his bad leg lands on the concrete of the hall, a sharp pain shoots up his leg and he winces in pain. Thankfully everyone else is already changing their clothes and Buck takes a couple of breaths to breath the pain away. He walks over to the lockers and takes his turnout coat off. The turnout pants are next but his leg is stiff and he’s got trouble to get it off. He curses loudly as he struggles with the pant leg. He almost falls over when two arms steady him.

“Hey, let me help you.“

Eddie‘s kneeling down in front of him running his fingers along his leg to pull at the pants leg. Buck stumbles backwards and his back hits the locker door.

“No, I’m fine.“

Buck pulls his leg back but he can’t stop the cry of pain coming out of his mouth when another shot of pain hits him.

Eddie’s still kneeling on the ground and looks at him, frustrated.

“Come on Buck, let me help you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you slightly limping during the call out.“

Buck shakes his head and presses his back further into the locker door. He looks over to the exit doors of the hall and he just wants to run and not having to face this, having to face Eddie. His heart beats heavily against his chest.

“I said I’m fine, Eddie!“

The cold tone in his voice makes Eddie flinch and Buck immediately regrets snapping at the other man. Eddie sighs and gets up from the floor. His eyes still have this concernced look but Buck can see him balling his hands into fists.

“You are fucking not ok Buck. You haven’t been for a week. But you don‘ talk to me. You’ve been avoiding me for the last days, don’t think I haven’t noticed.“

Buck looks away and rubs the back of his nose with his fingers.

“Eddie I told you I’m fine, just leave it, yeah.“

Buck can feel his hands start to shake and there’s this weight sitting on his chest again. He doesn’t want to have a panic attack in front of Eddie so he clenches his fists tight and digs his finger nails into his palms.

The other man notices and quickly reaches for his hands but Buck pulls them away.

“Damn Buck, what is wrong with you? Did I do anything wrong?“

Buck looks up again and Eddies eyes sparkle at him. He can see tears welling up and his eyes getting wet. He scoffs out loud and grunts.

“Buck!“

Eddies voice echoes through the fire house and vibrates through Bucks body. His heart beats too fast and his chest feels tight again. There’s this anger rushing through him and he can’t contain it any longer.

„You – you fucking cut the line Eddie. You cut it and I lost you. I was supposed to get you up again, get you out of that damn hole but you cut the rope. I pulled up a lose end of the cord. I was your lifeline ok, but you let go and I – I couldn’t get you out, I couldn’t - …“

There’s tears running down his face. Snot and phlegm running down his throat and he has to cough. He feels hot and his chest moves up and down too fast. There’s white dots dancing around on the edges of his eyes. His hurt leg buckles and he feels himself sliding down to the floor. Before he hits the ground Eddie holds him up and helps him sit down carefully. The other man sits down next to him and Buck can feel his shoulder bump against his.

He turns his head over to Eddie. His eyes look pained and Buck thinks he’s mad at him because he brought them both back to that day. His body won’t stop, sobs still taking his breath away.

“You - you cut the line, you cut it and left me. I could do nothing to help you.“

His hands still shake violently and his eyes blink wildly.

“Buck, look at me. Hey, hey, come on, look at me.“

He follows the voice and looks up at the other man. Eddie takes his hands and gently rubs circles on the skin. He gently inspects the palms of his hands for cuts when Buck had digged his fingernails into the flesh of his own hand. The soft touch of Eddies hands brings Bucks eyes back to focus. Eddie has tears in his eyes and Buck feels bad for making the other man cry.

“I’m sorry Buck, I’m so sorry, I scared you.“

Buck blinks his tears away and he wants to tell the other man he doesn’t want him to apologize. His voice is stuck though and he can’t bring himself to say anything. The next moment Eddie moves forward and Buck feels arms surround him, hold him. He can smell Eddies aftershave and sweat. Bucks head rests against the other man’s chest and he can hear his heartbeat steady in his ears.

Eddie is here, he’s alive. Eddie is alive.

The older man keeps on running his fingers up and down his back and Bucks breathing slowly gets back to normal. He feels his body warm up and his mind clear up. Eddie surrounding him, feeling him against his body, feels good. He takes deep breaths and slowly moves backward.

Eddies hands move over his shoulders and he grips at his hands again. Buck finally can look at the other man again and actually sees him. The tears finally stopping.

“Buck, you’ve been always my lifeline. Down there, the thought of you and Chris got me out. You got me out.“

“Eddie, I - …“

Eddie blinks a tear away and smiles softly at him.

“It’s ok Buck, it’s ok.“

Buck lunges forward again and hides his face in the older mans neck. He can feel arms around him again.

“You two ok?“

Buck can hear his Captains voice next to him but he’s too tired to answer. Buck can feel Eddies body vibrate when he talks to Bobby.

“I got him, Cap.“

He hears Bobby breath out loud and knows the man he sees as his father firgure is worried but then there’s steps on the floor and he knows Bobby left them to give them some space. Buck pushes his body further onto Eddies, soaking in his warmth.

“I got you, Evan. I got you.“

If Buck stays in Eddies embrace longer than he should the other man doesn’t mind. He never lets go of him and Buck finally can breath again.


End file.
